judge not.

7.5 month update :)

2011-09-13T11:35:00.002-04:00

Hi, everyone! I know I haven't updated much; by the time I'm finished reading all of the blogs I love so much, I run out of time to write my own!! So, what has happened since February...?

March was Chris' birthday, and I'm sure that other fun things happened as well... I just have no idea what they are.

April showers brought May showers... and graduation!! I took the NCE in April, and passed with flying colors. That led to my becoming a National Certified Counselor in June, and now I am Jessica M. Gage, MA, NCC!

July was full of work, dates with hubby, hanging out with Bella and family, and other fun things. I cut my hair shorter than it has ever been, and I like it.

August was our 2nd married anniversary and our trip to Punta Cana! We saw wild green parrots, napped under palm trees, and got a stomach thing, haha. When we got back, we also found out that Chris' brother, Rob, and his wife, Liz are pregnant! I'll be an aunt to the newest Gage in March (due date: the day before Chris' birthday!!), and I'm really excited to have a little bundle of joy to kiss who lives so nearby. It won't be facebook public for a while, but no one really reads this blog, so I think I'm safe.

Now, it's September. We've lived through the 10th anniversary of 9/11, celebrated birthdays, planned winter trips, and slept with the windows open. My niece's birthday (Naomi) is later this month, so that's a good time :) Oh! And Modern Family premieres a new season soon!

I'm still building a case load, but summer is a difficult time to do that. Now, get ready for the longest sentenceish thing of all time.

Things I've learned or relearned this summer: I love my baby brother a whole lot, my cat is a child, I truly can't golf, I love fishing, I have great friends, I love babies, I really really love cooking and inventing new recipes, I hate Greek yogurt, I know the difference between good and cheap wine, it actually is a good idea to carry around a first aid kit/mini pharmacy, I can make amazing homemade caramel, I love high heels and a good purse-- never full price of course!, Project Runway is fun, the Real Housewives are still entertaining, since I bought my car I really have been driving Miss Daisy (that's her name), Chris is proactive about finding new ways to love me and appreciate me, I love feeding people I love, I couponed before it was cool, Grey's Anatomy sometimes has really wise narrative clips at the end, my pocket Bible is super convenient when bouncing around with clients, my job has spoiled me, God has helped me accomplish a lot by the time I turn 25 (in fact, private practice was always my goal, and here I am!), I got a super cute vest that I can't wait to wear, I enjoy community, we have a great church, I only like doing the dishes when I get to wear my fabulous latex gloves that fit me perfectly, I want to move into a house ASAP but we're trying to wait until we find something we love and can afford, I made a bucket list, I hate that I don't see my college friends anymore--mostly because they all moved away. Oh, and both of our cars could crap out at any moment, so I literally pray before I try to start her every day, haha.

Sooo, what's new with you? :)

got grace?

2011-02-01T07:55:00.005-05:00

"When you realize you have your own weaknesses you are able show others grace when their weaknesses are exposed."

I saw this quote on facebook last night, and was inspired to blog since it summed up what I had been living for the two hours prior. You'd probably like some background, so here it goes. Please don't hate me for how disorganized this is: I woke up too early on spontaneous my day off ;)

Last night, I went to the 12-Step Christian Recovery open meeting at my internship site, Allegheny Center Alliance Church. I was really anxious at first; I felt like I would be imposing on a group of tightly-knit people who intimately understood each person's struggles. Even walking into the room was a bit awkward-- all I wanted was to be invisible in this new place. After all, I had no friend to sit by me, and no warm invitation had been extended by any certain person. Gratefully, people shook my hand, sat by me, and remembered my name after hearing it only once.

We started by reading from 12 Steps: A Spiritual Journey, specifically Step 3.
"Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God." (Sorry if this isn't an exact quote.) The prayer was great too, but I can't find it online. While the group members were taking turns reading and thanking one another, I was thinking about how applicable those words are for all believers. How necessary it is that we surrender our wills and lives to Him!! Yet, it is easier said than done.

The discussion was even more moving. As members shared, I felt more and more privileged to be sitting among them. They were open, honest, and realistic that they need His Grace every single day. I was learning much more than how to run a 12-Step group-- I was experiencing how true humility creates a welcoming atmosphere.

And that's when it hit me...

Why did I feel more comfortable sitting in this 12-Step group, surrounded by addicts, alcoholics, convicts, and homeless people than I have felt in most churches? Perhaps it is that these believers have accepted their weaknesses, and are therefore able to show others grace when their weaknesses are exposed! I have seen firsthand as homeless men, gay couples, and even African American women were silently shunned in church. I am certain that God's heart was breaking as these people crept out at the most opportune time, without greetings, handshakes, or kind words. In last night's meeting, I didn't feel under-dressed, undeserving, or judged in their midst. In fact, the women hugged me, every person remembered my name, and half of the members invited me back (with sincere enthusiasm!).

It was one of the most convicting experiences I have ever had. I've never heard a recovering (since they never say "recovered") alcoholic absolutely weep while crying, "Why didn't anyone notice me?! Why wouldn't anyone tell me the Truth?!" Another person added, "It's because we're seen as the scum of the Earth to most people."

I have felt this tension for some time, but I'm finally labeling it what it is: crap. I was a part of a system (for most of my life) which separates the "Christians" from the ones who "need to be saved." I do not say this to minimize Christ's sacrifice or our responsibility to share the best news. Instead, I would like to suggest that American churches need more of those "scum of the Earth" people because their honesty and humility make them more beautiful living sacrifices to Him than do many people who wear their Sunday's best every week. It's easy to label a person an addict and pity him (or blame him for making poor choices) because his weakness is tangible and difficult to hide. So, we hide behind our dresses, wingtips, microphones, and hymnals. Why? Because Christians are expected to have everything together-- after all, we have God on our side! Those with struggles are often granted pity instead of the grace which we all desperately need.

Which brings me to another conversation I had yesterday about grace. It stemmed from this chapter:
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+16&version=NIV
Jesus is our Daily Bread because we need Him and His grace daily. We need to pick it up every day instead of convincing ourselves that sanctification is a one-time deal.

The dichotomy is this: many Christians (myself included) have felt a need to earn their place in a Church (which is different than the impossibility of trying to earn a place with God). The "unlovables" mentioned above can't possibly live up to these standards if they walked in fresh off of the streets. WHERE IS THE GRACE?! By accepting the fact that we all need Daily Bread, we accept the fact that we are the same. We are all addicted to something; it's time that we acknowledge that even Church can become a god. Our God is jealous and does not want any other gods placed above Him-- even Church, leading worship, teaching a Sunday School class, getting glory.

So you see, I was more comfortable in that 12-Step meeting because it was a safe place for me to come "just as I am" and accept my filth so I can truly seek His Grace in the midst of other believers. It was so beautiful to be loved, accepted, wanted, based on nothing other than the fact that I was present--the fact that my filth was different than their was neither assumed nor required. Thank you, By His Grace group members, for showing me how simple and beautiful it is to love people and be present. You see, I felt more sincerely welcomed into that group than I've felt in most churches during their "Let's quickly shake hands and greet one another" time or when walking into a new church for the first time.

* End random conglomeration of thoughts. PS: I was granted permission to anonymously quote the convicting words I posted above. My class in Neurotically-Ethical Behavior made me want to post that ;) I should also probably write the disclaimer that this does not represent an exhaustive inventory of my thoughts. Oh, also, I think church is important and can be really great-- it's all of us sinners that keep it from being perfect ;)

Venting about a problem isn't worth a penny if there aren't some practical solutions offered. So what would I suggest?

As a member of a worship team since 9th grade, I think that worship teams should be in the back of churches or at least facing the projector screen like everyone else. What would happen if we took the production out of worship? What would happen if people stopped clapping because the band sounded great? Perhaps we would be less distracted from true worship--leaders and congregation alike. Perhaps it would create a more "come as you are" atmosphere if the standards of knowing the words and doing the right motions are relaxed, or better yet destroyed.

I'd also suggest that churches spend more time going to those in need (intentionally a broad term) and extending grace instead of expecting those men, women, and children. I'm not talking about mission trips or passing out literature. I am talking about living lives of humility, accepting that we're all disgustingly dirty, acknowledging that we are all in need of the same Daily Bread. We have to look inside of ourselves and then share our crap with other people-- not to create cliques, but to create unity in our need for Grace. Imagine if the world was full of the most humble, loving people. Oh wait, that is what He calls us to be. As another recent facebook status said: "God wants followers, not fans."

It is crucial that churches invest in their congregations, but feeling good isn't what church is about. There needs to be a balance between uplifting people and holding us accountable. Since not a single one of us is perfect, there should be room for "truth told in love." Instead of "making every effort to promote unity" and turning it into a separate endeavor. You see, we should be unified in truth, no matter how hard it may be to hear. Dear believer, you're not perfect. James 3 says this: "1 Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. 2 We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check." So be careful, leaders, that you keep a balance between tenderness and truth; neither speak too harshly nor ignore the need for accountability (for yourself or your church).

I wish that each church had a "junk jar" where people could anonymously write down their own crap and put it in the jar. How can we testify to Grace without remembering the filth from which we were delivered? And how relieving to be surrounded by people who do more than say "I'm not perfect," but instead say, "God pulled me away from _____" or "My name is _____, and I'm an addict." (Let's keep in mind that you can be addicted to drugs, alcohol, work, church, money, etc, etc, etc.)

And what if pastors forced their congregation members to switch seats for a week? (Thanks for the inspiration, Pastor Jarod Mills!) At least once a year, Jarod makes his congregation sit in new seats, by new people even! ;) What perspective it must give!! To remember what it feels like to be uncomfortable sitting in a new pew, like many people feel when they go to a church for the first time-- except they might not know a single person. Oh designated seats, I loathe you for creating an atmosphere of complacency in our churches.

And what do you suggest (if you even think I haven't lost my mind)?

Oh. And here's the book:

it has been four months...

2011-01-17T16:24:00.002-05:00

I guess I should stop being a hypocrite and update my own blog!

September. I had started an entry following the Light the Night Walk, but never finished/posted it. To sum up, it was a great way for me to mourn the loss of my aunt to Leukemia-- for three reasons, really. First, it was great to have Chris by my side. I got to cry whenever I felt like it, and he just held my hand and let me feel however I needed to. Second, I was surrounded by people who know exactly what Leukemia looked like; most of them have had family members with Leukemia. They let me cry, too :) Third, we did something productive. Instead of just wallowing or forgetting the experience altogether, we rallied together. It turned out to be fun and therapeutic!

October. I have no idea what happened in October. Halloween, maybe? Midterms were in there somewhere, and I had some clients by that time.

November. My birthday! Light Up Night! Thanksgiving! One of the three involved a lot of fighting and a stabbing, but all three were fabulous :)

December. End of the semester! A LOT more clients!! Christmas!!! This Christmas was the best I've had with Chris. It wasn't the presents; we just had quality AND quantity time together :) Things have been weird for me now that I am almost not a student (for the first time since I went to preschool when I was 3!), so Chris's love and support have been the best.

January. It has been great(ish). I've been sick every weekend, and I've had migraines almost every day... my poor husband has been so patient and gracious. I'm on new vitamin things now, so hopefully this helps. My internship is full-time now, so I get to hang out with Jenny all the time! :) Marriage and counseling have been two of the most humbling things in my life. Chris has showed me what it means to love someone more than myself. Being with my clients in their hurt has brought me to a new place of sincerity and vulnerability. Some of their stories are close to mine, while others sound like episodes of Law and Order or Intervention. The beauty is that we are all brothers and sisters; this is just my time to serve them however I can.

Other than my health, things have been great. Even that one negative thing has highlighted the wonderful people I have around me :) I can't believe I'll be graduating again in May! It's kind of scary, but it's also REALLY awesome. I'm finally doing what I've always, always wanted to do. I've heard most of the other counselors at the Counselors Collaborative talk about how their visions have changed, so I'm excited to see where God takes me from here :)

PS: Bella is still amazing ;)

BABY NEWS!!!!

2010-09-24T23:00:00.002-04:00

Nope. Not mine... technically.

But my cousin Renee had her baby!!! Naomi Lynn Brown was born at 1:58 am on Thursday, September 23, 2010. She weighed 8lb3oz and measured 20 and 1". Never has something so small made my heart so big. <3

Babies, Schmabies. Yeah, they're usually pretty cute. Yeah, I've oohed at more than one before. But this precious little piece of Jesus is rocking my world. She's the first baby in our family since my brother was born (19.5 years ago). She's my "niece," and I already love her to bits!!

There are pictures on facebook already, but not on my page. I'm sure there will be once I meet her, so stay tuned. I just wanted to document all of this stuff because it's important.

Oh, and I wanted to let you all know that for a solid 8 minutes, I wanted a baby! But then I remembered everything that goes along with them, and I decided that being an aunt is good enough for now ;)

<3

Right now!!(??)

2010-09-13T22:41:00.004-04:00

My life feels like a legit whirlwind right now.
Reals client. Real situations. Real problems. Real reality checks. Real humility. Real prayers. Real intercession. Real work. Real crazy!!!

Really crazy, and really right. I just know without a doubt that this is exactly where God wants me. Right here. Right now. For such a time as this.

And I am at peace.

Isaiah 40:29-31

2010-08-31T22:21:00.002-04:00

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

These verses basically sum up my life over the past few days. There was a pretty bad situation which developed on Saturday. I'm not normally one to dig myself into a hole of depression, but that's pretty much what happened. Thanks to my background in psychology, I know the signs and made myself get out of bed and shower and get the mail... But I still spent all day crying, eating ice cream, and hugging my cat (go ahead and crack a joke, Jo Stout). Chris was wonderful throughout the situation; he brilliantly reminded me of my strengths and Who gave them to me. But at the end of the day, having his shoulder to cry on (sorry, honey) is only worth so much.

As hard as it has been, I have had to consciously place this situation at the feet of Jesus--not once, or daily--but it seemed that I was constantly being handed new details that made the circumstances more difficult to handle... so I had to re-live and re-give it to Him. As ironic as it sounds, it was really exhausting to try to do nothing!! Like I said in my post last week, "yielding is difficult," and I really feel like God was using Habakkuk to prepare me for this situation.

Anyway, here I am, alive and well. I made it because He brought me through it. I don't believe in the saying that "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." Instead, I think that He helps us handle what we are given. So, thank You, Lord, for the strength I needed this week, the limited wisdom that you've given me, and the friends You have used to remind me of Your love.

<3

Dear Lord,

2010-08-30T09:55:00.002-04:00

Thank you for preparing my heart for what was ahead. Thank you for putting people in my life to support and encourage me when I need a hug, a tissue, or a kind word. Thank you for my cat, who seems to understand my moods and knows not to act like a crackhead when I'm upset. And thank you for half-the-fat ice cream, which has made my hot fudge sundaes so much more enjoyable.

Thanks, Rob!

2010-08-26T21:02:00.001-04:00

I had to repost this, from here:
http://thisisindexed.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/card2661.jpg

It just really made me laugh. So, thanks again, Rob L.!!

:)

Habakkuk 3:16-19

2010-08-23T12:26:00.002-04:00

16 I heard and my heart pounded,
my lips quivered at the sound;
decay crept into my bones,
and my legs trembled.
Yet I will wait patiently for the day of calamity
to come on the nation invading us.

17 Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.
For the director of music. On my stringed instruments.

I have never had to wait patiently for the calamity of my enemy, nor have I ever rejoiced in the face of famine or drought. Maybe that's why yielding is difficult for me even though I know it's best.

Miss you all. Update me on your lives.

<3

the future.

2010-03-31T20:13:00.003-04:00

October 7, 2010: Light the Night Walk.
Please click this link, talk to me, pray, and donate.
http://pages.lightthenight.org/wpa/Pttsbrgh10/Jgage

In other news, I've been accepted into Degree Candidacy, which pretty much just means that my professors at Geneva have promised to do whatever it takes to get me through the program and earn me degree. Apparently, I've proven that I' capable and willing to do what it takes, and they want to see me succeed. Cool.

I'll be taking 4 classes this summer, 3 in the fall (+1 as practicum) and 1 in the spring (+2 as internship). My practicum/internship site is also a new thing. Here's a link for their website:
http://www.acac.net/index.cfm/pageid/862/index.html
ACAC is a Christian organization which seeks out 1-2 Geneva Grad CNS students each year. It seems like it will be a pretty sweet opportunity for me to spread my wings. My supervisor said that he wouldn't just send anyone out there because (s)he would need to be confident and have a strong sense of direction. Apparently, I'll be getting my own cases after a couple weeks of my practicum, which usually doesn't happen until the internship stage. Sweet :) What's even sweeter is that they don't turn away from people who are struggling financially. Since I'm the free help, I'll be serving people who won't have a penny to spare and will hopefully be even more dedicated to/grateful for the counseling. Who knows, though!

Oh yeah... the sense of direction thing. So here's the deal. As I've advertised since my senior year, the class Psychology of Gender changed the way I think about a lot of things. This past fall (before the Tiger Woods drama) I felt "led" (as corny as that probably sounds) to earn my first specialization in Sexual Addictions and Dysfunction. It's pretty cool for me to think that someday I'll be in a position to help real people with real problems instead of just reading about them in text books. I'll be giving my first presentation on sex next Thursday, so I'll let you know how it goes :) Oh, Sue Johanson... How I wish I had ever seen your show.

Even further into the future, I really don't see myself working long-term for a Christian organization as a counselor. Two of Geneva's past interns now have their own private practices within ACAC, but I don't know how I feel about that yet. That's a whole different topic... Time will tell.

Chris is still great :) He's sweet, and we'd still probably make Jo want to vomit ;) His work hours are a HECK of a lot better now, and we actually see each other quite a bit :) I'm so glad he doesn't have to stay at the office until 8 anymore!!

Bella is still flippin' adorable. She knows when bedtime is, and she goes to her chair in the bedroom when she gets tired at 10! She LOVES when we open the windows for her, and she made friends with a baby dove :)

I'll be graduating in about a year... freaky.

Also, I know about 67 women who are currently pregnant, and I'm really grateful that it's not contagious. Don't get my wrong, I love the baby bumps and talking about the cute things babies do... but I'd rather enjoy other peoples' kids at this point ;) PS: Dr. Rice's baby girl is stinkin' adorable and she smells like a little piece of heaven. Well, she did while I held her, lol.

I love you all and miss you terribly. I miss Stella nights and that terrible "alcoholic" case of colored water that Rob bought. haha. <3 Hope all is well!

PS: I'm not proofreading, so judge not.

the end.

2009-12-09T09:45:00.003-05:00

...of my ninth semester at Geneva!

Psych Stats:
...didn't suck! :) I've been working on my take-home final for a couple of hours; I'm encouraged by how much I can do without looking at my notes :) I, however, do not enjoy writing all of these things out 50 billion times. Dr. Rice's baby was supposed to be here on Monday, but it looks like she'll be making a tardy debut. Dear Math, I don't hate you. Love, Jessica.

Group Counseling:
I've grown a lot in this realm over the past few weeks. I've learned more about myself than I ever expected to in this type of situation. I'd really like to be a group facilitator next fall, but we shall see. Also, I'm working on a group proposal for my portfolio; it's a pornography addiction support/therapy group. It has been interesting to research and pull together, and I think that a lot of people would benefit from it. It's a real issue for millions of people, so why is it both glorified and taboo?!

Human Development:
Just shoot me. This is the second time I've taken this course with the same professor, the same book, and the same syllabus. It would be different if I was learning new information, but I'm not. The final in this class is tomorrow (guess who won't be studying). I'll just be glad when this one is over.

Counseling Theories:
This class has really challenged me. Jo and I have talked about the forgotten fundamentals of psychologies (ie: Psychoanalytic, Gestalt, and Cognitive movements)-- luckily, I've been refreshed and enlightened in these areas. I have learned tons about myself and potential clients. Dr. Peters is amazing, and I'm looking forward to the classes he'll be teaching in the future!

In other news, I can't stinkin' wait for Christmas break! Granted I have a huge ethics exam on the day I go back to class (Jan 11), but I'm still excited for extra time with the hubby, snowy days, and big family dinners. Things won't be the same now that Elaine is gone, though.

http://www.webfh.com/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=277502&fh_id=10167

Her husband, Ed, (my dad's brother) died in '94 --which I vividly remember as the only time I have ever seen my dad sobbing like a baby. Ed and Elaine's 2 daughters were merely teenagers at the time and had already missed out on time with their dad since he had been in China for 6 months prior to his death. It was a sudden heart failure, and none of us were ready to let go of such a wonderful man. Since our families were neighbors, my dad stepped in to do things like teach them how to drive and shoot a gun. Needless to say, we've been close for years and years.

My Aunt Elaine was diagnosed with the most destructive form of leukemia about 6 months ago. Although we were all hoping she would be well and able in time for my wedding, she spent all but 6 days of those 6 months in an oncology ward. After failed chemotherapy and a futile stem cell transplant, her doctors sent her home.

Only her daughters could visit her in a sealed room during those 6 months, so I went home to visit during one of those final 6 days. I constantly thank God that I had the opportunity to say goodbye. At her funeral, one of my high school teachers read a poem he had written in Elaine's honor (per her request). It was so wonderful to see how many people had been touched by her kind words and loving hugs :) This experience has given me a new appreciation for the healthy people in my life. I think more about the friends I haven't seen or talked to in a while, I answer the phone more readily, and I try to love people more than before.

I guess that's all I have to say other than that I'm not going to proofread or edit this post-- don't judge me.
Oh, and PS: I'm still annoyed that Miley Cyrus didn't write "Party in the USA" ...nor has she ever heard a Jay-Z song.

http://www.celebridoodle.com/celebridoodle/2009/11/miley-cyrus-disses-jayz.html

Thanks, Ellen.

2009-11-11T08:26:00.002-05:00

So I was watching Ellen Degeneres show the other day (judge not.), and this guy named Jonathan Safran Foer was a guest. He wrote the book Eating Animals and had a lot of interesting things to say. Although most of the people who read my blog probably edited Mr. Foer's book, I'd like to talk about it anyway.

He is a self-proclaimed "occasional vegan" who went on a quest to figure out what contemporary farming is all about. His quest began when he and his wife found out that they were about to become parents-- parents who would soon be responsible for feeding another person. What he found was disturbing, and he was brutally honest with the audience. While writing his book, he wrote "dozens" of letters to chicken, beef, pork, and turkey farms across the US hoping to plan a visit "to see where [his family's] food comes from." He never received a response, go figure.

I've heard of this before, but I guess it's just easier to be ignorant. I looked around my hometown where pigs and cows really are "free roaming" animals before they become dinner; I lied to myself. I think there are a few reasons why this man and his argument suddenly became so convincing.

#1- I do most of the cooking. Shouldn't I think more about what we buy when we go grocery shopping?
#2- I'm going on a gluten-free diet to try to prevent my sucky sucky migraines. Why not avoid other foods (and the drugs pumped into them) which may cause even worse symptoms?
#3- Also, like Jonathan Foer, I could become a parent in the near future (although we're trying to hold off on that for a while). I have a feeling that getting into good habits now would be easier than trying to balance pregnancy with finding a family butcher.
#4- I read the looooong lists of possible side effects of any medicines I choose to take; why not take seriously the negative effects of what I choose to eat?

Anyway, I just wanted to throw it out there. Feel free to discuss... or not ;-)

BELLA! :-D

2009-10-26T12:26:00.006-04:00

saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa33aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa``QQQQQQQ

That beautiful typing above is courtesy of my new kitty, Isabella Grace.

She loves creeping up next to the screen and watching this: http://www.innocentenglish.com/pug-licking-screen-clean/
She is unbelievably precious. She's like an infant in a lot of ways. She's adventurous, but doesn't like for us to be out of her sight. She'll mew when we disappear for even a second, and she runs to greet us when we get home. When Chris leaves for work in the morning, she jumps up into our living room window to watch his car pull away. She plays in her water dish and sleeps on my tummy at night. She loves watching TV and will lose her baby teeth soon. She rubs her nose on my lips, licks my nose, and tries to nibble on my eyelashes. She also reminds me how difficult it is to regularly discipline something so adorable. I'm definitely not ready for REAL infant of my own.

In other news, I dressed up as Hannah Montana/Miley Syrus for a Halloween party on Friday. I will never be a blonde. It was a blast to see everyone, and it was nice to be out and about. Saturday Chris and I went to the Pens game with a couple of our friends. It was the first game the Pens have lost with me in the stands!

School is still amazing. I'm learning a lot, and my grades are reflecting how hard I've been hitting the books. I have a job interview this week for a TSS position in Butler. I'm not entirely sure what I'd do if offered this position, but it's a start. To be honest, I'm regretting not being a nanny this fall. It's nice to borrow kids without having to litter... I mean, potty train them.

I'm making this for dinner tonight:

We've already had the Orange Chicken one, but tonight we're trying the Sweet and Sour Chicken. Coupons make my life wonderful, because tonight's dinner is free. Another wonderful thing about dinner tonight is that Chris will be home earlier than usual! He starts his new position today, so he'll be home 2-3 hours earlier! I'll finally be able to eat dinner with my hubby at a normal time :)

I've been thinking about what I might put on my Bucket List.

The end.

more self-disclosure than I had anticipated.

2009-10-16T12:49:00.008-04:00

Once upon a time, I took a class called Lifespan Development. Once, I took it with Adam Mason, and then I had to take it again in grad school. This week, Dr. Harvey said something a little bit more profound than usual (though I don't think this was his point haha).

Here is the story he told:
The Harvey home had what Dr. Harvey called "the circle" meaning that the living room, dining room, and kitchen are all kind of connected because there are no doors in the doorways. One day, his two young daughters were running around this "track" within their home shrieking and giggling like only little girls can. Dr. Harvey and his wife laughed along because they were watching their little girls grow and play together. Later that week, Dr. Harvey walked in the door after a long, hard day at work. His daughters were doing their normal circle routine, but he had a much different reaction this time around. Annoyed, frustrated, and out of patience, Dr. Harvey told his daughters that they must stop immediately and do a quieter activity.

Here is my story:
Once upon a time, I married a wonderful man. After a series of events (and hard work on his part), I practically forced him to buy NHL '10 as a reward for himself. I consider his playing video games analogous to "running the circle" in our home. Most of the time, it's fun to watch him play and hear him get excited when he wins. But then there are the days that I get home, frustrated after a tough day at school or an obnoxious drive from Beaver Falls.

This is where I feel convicted:
Sometimes I do catch myself getting annoyed with NHL '10. Chris doesn't play too much or play instead of doing important things... In fact, he's pretty much as ideal as I could ever pray for. I have to beg him to share dish duty with me! haha... Anyway, I've come to realize that when I feel this annoyance creeping up inside me, I have to remember that love is not the ability to take out my bad days on my husband. I try not to do this, but I'm sure that I can't keep my emotions from coming out all the time.

Real life application:
Last night, I came home after a long day full of my first midterm, crappy weather, and a stressful drive. Chris was waiting for me to get home and was playing NHL '10 (after making us dinner and cleaning up). I walked in the door and just felt like crying (insert gender stereotype here). I quietly laid on the couch and gave him short answers to his (clearly compassionate) questions. Then my wonderful husband, without pouting or being angry with me, stopped playing his game and tickled and cuddled me until I opened up. The tears started to flow, and the sweet man decided that I needed a hot bath. So there I was, warming up after a crappy day when I re-remembered that I married a man who truly loves me.

Because I love Jesus:
I was incredibly moved by Chris' compassion and genuine love, especially after I had been... well... not so loving or lovable. But isn't that kind of how Jesus is? Here we are, these grumpy, selfish, unlovable things who are loved by the very definition of the word. He sees us at our worst and at our best (which is still really crappy), yet he chose to die for us and draw us hot bubble baths when we really need someone to just sit on the bathroom floor and listen. I wonder if there will be big bath tubs in heaven... ;-)

Clearly, it goes deeper than that, but I'm going to stop because I'm rambling and I sound like a mushy mess haha. Bottom line, we're supposed to live like Christ, and I'm grateful to have a husband who consciously loves me in that way. <3

Dove: Campaign for True Beauty

2009-10-14T18:15:00.004-04:00

Today, I happened onto this site> http://www.dove.us/#/cfrb/

There's an option to enter one's UPC codes from Dove products, in which case the company will donate $1.00 to self-esteem workshops. I just wanted to see what you all think of this whole True Beauty campaign. Some of the videos are quite heartwarming.

In other news, I have my first graduate level midterm tomorrow (hence, procrastination by blogging). It's in my Counseling Theories class, so I'm more nervous about the test itself than about the content. It's over "normal" stuff like Adler, Freud, Gestalt therapy, and Carl Jung!
Thus said, I miss my A Team :-( I've made a lot of freaking awesome new friends in the program, but there's nothing quite like the original! I miss listening to Adam rattle off all of the intelligent thoughts he had while we were all trying to keep up with the PowerPoint slides. I miss Jo making sweet notecards and quizzing us all so we could practice. I miss Liz making us all laugh by bringing Tyra into every bit of psychobabble we could drum up. Change is really stinky sometimes.

<3

"fox: green it. mean it."

2009-10-12T15:44:00.004-04:00

Emily Deschanel is in an advertisement on this site:
http://www.fox.com/earthday/
In it, she suggests that we all pay our credit card bills electronically in order to save almost $2 bil a year on postage costs. She also threw in a statistic saying that the aforementioned saved postage money could wipe the debt slate clean for 250,000 people.

"Change your ways, and change the planet."

What about the USPS workers' lives you'll change by practically boycotting the postal service? And what about the energy needed to fuel our computers to pay bills online? Is it all green and clean?

But hey, anything to jump on the green bandwagon and save a few cents.

I'm not sure why this particular advertisement triggered my pent-up anger. But, for those of you who reduce and reuse before recycling: I love you. And for those of you who have actually thought about proper stewardship: I looooove you!

PS: homecoming was fun :o)

vows.

2009-09-28T19:24:00.003-04:00

Odds are that if you're reading this, then you said "We do" at my wedding when the pastor asked if you would promise to encourage Chris and I to uphold our vows. So, here's a reminder for all of us...from my side of the deal (though they're basically the same) <3 We added to traditional vows, so if I hear these words at your wedding, you'd better cite your reference in the program ;o)

I, Jessica Marie Johnson, take you, Christopher James Gage, to be my lawfully wedded husband, my constant friend and my one true love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family, and our friends I offer you my vow to always be your faithful partner: in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, in joy as well as sorrow. I promise to always love you unconditionally, to support you, to honor you, to laugh and cry with you. I will cherish our union and love you more each day than I did the day before. I promise to trust you and respect you. I give you my hand, my heart, and my love from this day forward as long as we both shall live.

That was the second best promise I ever made after asking Jesus to hold my heart.

<3

Change.

2009-09-25T10:58:00.004-04:00

Much has happened since my last post, so there's no way I'd be able to give you a detailed life update. Here's a summary.

I got married! Chris is more amazing than ever, and living with a boy isn't all that bad after all (let's just say that good times are had by all haha). I feel like a hypocrite because I cook and clean, but so does he so I feel a bit better about myself. Ha. I know that I didn't get to spend much time with anyone the day of the wedding, and I'm really sorry about that. To be honest, I don't remember much about that day other than roasting in my wedding dress and kissing Chris on demand.

I went to Jamaica! and my heart broke. But that's for another post.

I moved! ...into a cute little apartment in the North Hills area. Come and visit! We have enough boardgames to last through Armageddon, so you won't be bored! We live near North Park, so I don't feel completely out of my element. It's weird to be so close to the city, but I've never been happier.

I started grad school! And it's awesome. Too awesome to summarize, so I'll leave it at that.

I'm unemployed! Like many Americans, I have been negatively affected by the current job market. Unlike many Americans, I put myself in this position. I quit waitressing and am currently handing out my resume like candy. In the meantime, I'm learning to humble myself, let Chris take care of me, and let God provide for us both. Still, I'm bored and I feel like I'm wasting my time.

I can cook! I knew I had some basic skills down, but I never realized how large my repertoire is! Woot! Chris and I are both gaining weight, so when you see us at homecoming, try not to stare.

I found a new hobby! Cutting coupons has become a biweekly occurrence. Saving money gets me high. For the record, we have three Giant Eagles, zero WalMarts, zero ShopnSaves, zero Foodlands, etc. Giant Eagle, as expensive as it may be, isn't the devil because they double your coupons up to $.99!

We got Rock Band! ...because someone wrote us a check for the wedding and in the memo line it said "Beatles Rock Band." I love my life.

I found out that PNC has sweet interest rates on their virtual wallet savings accounts. And now the savings buffer which Chris and I have so diligently been adding to is making money for us. Excellent. It's better than hiding it in a box under the bed!

Chris's computer has a terrible virus... or twenty... and has been out of commission for weeks. Advice is welcome.

My family isn't going crazy without me! That sounds conceited, but I expected them (particularly my mom) to take it pretty hard when I moved out. We still talk once a week, and we're getting along quite well. What a blessing! It was an important lesson for me to learn, but I won't go into details until some other post.

I miss my Geneva friends! I still get to see Jo and Rob and Ben and Ian and occasionally KenKen, but I miss movie nights and Wooden Indian trips and walking to campus and having deep philosophical/theological conversations.

I crocheted a sweet blanket! :) And once I moved in, I realized that Chris and I already have a bunch. ha. Looks like I'll be giving it away or something.

Also, I still love you all. <3

two posts in two days to end my post drought.

2009-03-25T11:10:00.005-04:00

Today is a rainy day. It makes me think about a particular rainy day when I was 8 or so.

I convinced my brother to put on a pair of galoshes, pick up a multicolored umbrella, and run around in the rain with me. We jumped in every puddle we saw, and we ran under the gutter in the places that it was overflowing. It was a sad day in my area because many homes were badly flooded, but my brother and I were carelessly frolicking around in the thunderstorm. We were oblivious (or perhaps merely unaffected) by the tragedy in the area because our house was on a hill, and water flows downward.

How applicable.

For those who don't love Jesus, they are stuck in a valley which is constantly flooded, even if they are self-deceived to believe the opposite. They may see glimpses of the sun, but until they accept the Way, Truth, and Life, they are doomed to drown.
But the same could apply to those of us who do walk with Jesus. During the times when we are not on top of the hill playing under our umbrellas, the rain beats down on us. We may be filled with doubt or lose sight of the Son (pun intended). While we're up on the hills of life, it is easy to remain ignorant of the rain ruining the lives of our friends in the valleys. Or worse, we convince ourselves that being on top of a hill is a permanent achievement which we have accomplished!
Bottom line, let's never forget that we all deserve the damnation of the valley, but that Christ has taken that punishment for us. Let's live so that we connect the lost sheep with the Shepherd who loves us all.

In the wise words of Rihanna, "You can stand under my umbrella."

<3

Matthew 7:21-29

21 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' 23 Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!' 24 "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash." 28 When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, 29 because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.

squirrels, dump trucks, and red rover

2009-03-24T14:10:00.002-04:00

Today was a wonderful, splendid day (and it's only 2:15 in the afternoon!). I owned class, hung out with friends, and embraced spontaneity. After meeting up with Jo, Ken, and Mark in the Brig, we decided to stroll together, exchange anecdotes, and sing wonderful songs. At one point, Mark even got a dump truck driver to honk the big horn! Afterward, Ken and I continued to walk in the brisk springish air and talk about important things.

I can't even tell you how much I needed a wonderful day... the Lord provides!

Ever since I was diagnosed with senioritis, my rate of production has been far below par. I haven't exerted effort for anything other than small group projects since before Spring Break, so I'm out of the groove. I have been pretty down recently because of three things...

1- I'm sick of waiting for August 15. I miss spending lots of quality time with my best friend. I can't wait to marry him so I can fall asleep with him watching movies, make him delicious things for dinner, and rub his feet when he has had a bad day. To be frank, life sucks when you're apart from the only human being who knows you better than you know yourself.
2- I'm tired. Sleep and I are no longer best friends, and I've had the same migraine for over a week. The headache is gone, but I'm still far behind schedule and have zero motivation to press on.
3- I'm learning who my friends are(n't)... and that's a difficult lesson to learn. Such is life. I'd like to thank those of you who have listened to me vent, watched me cry, and hugged me when I really needed it over the past 4ish years. You know who you are, and I'm grateful that God used you to work in my life.

So there you have it! I've been blue, and God brought sunshine into my life when I needed it the most. Sweet.

"Let's get together and feel alright..."

Prayer? At GENEVA?!

2009-02-25T12:43:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, I was sitting in the Brig with a few of my friends, when we got to talking about a certain friend's life current circumstances. Let's just say that I felt like an idiot for complaining about how much I had to do or how tired I was. Anyway, in the midst of this quiet, heartbreaking, conversation, one of us decided that it would be a great time to pray for our friend. Hallelujah.
I felt such a joy coming together with my friends and praying for situations over which we have no control. It was freeing to fall at the feet of the One who gives live and sustains us all. It was encouraging to hear the compassionate, faithful words of believers being offered up on behalf of another. I'm a huge fan of intercessory prayer, and it was great to just do in On Demand.
And then there was the conviction.
How many times I have I sat in the Brig listening to someone's heart break and said that I would pray for them without doing it immediately. I value the intimate times of prayer that I have with God, and I would never give that up, but I think it's important for me to recognize that this is a problem for me. I am tempted to say that it's not that I'm ashamed to pray in public, but there must be something that's holding me back. Honestly, I think it is my fear of making a situation awkward or not knowing what to say in front of others. I am ashamed of how ridiculous that is. Why should I let my own fear or insecurities hinder my prayer for others? I'm not about to run around yelling prayers at people or making a scene, but I do think that yesterday served as an important reminder to me.

"Jessica, the next time you are tempted to say that you're going to pray for someone, instead you should just ask that person if you can pray together that very moment. Excuses are lame, but prayer is powerful; it is selfish to wait to pray until it's convenient."

(background for my last post)

2009-02-18T16:12:00.002-05:00

Sigh. This man needs more than valid, sound logic; he needs prayer.

http://www.xanga.com/EarthsAzureLight/692456329/my-qualifications-dont-be-an-idiot/

The Value of Understanding

2009-02-18T12:52:00.008-05:00

As many of you know, I'm taking Logic with Dr. Meek. I've heard a million and one terrible things about the class, so I went into it expecting the worse. Judging by my experiences thus far, it's just like a toned down Poli Sci class without as much of the ambiguity that comes along with humans and societies.

Late one night last week, I found myself reading random xangas (I know... I thought xanga was dead, too) supplied to me by the administrators of the site. Shockingly enough, there was a logical argument with the presmises and conclusions all neatly labeled? "What was up for dispute?" you might ask. "The existence of God," I would reply.

"Either God does not exist, evil does not exist, God is not simultaneously omnipotent, omniscient and all-benevolent, or all-benevolent beings who can eliminate evil will not necessarily do so immediately when they become aware of it.As simply as possible, a God who is all knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful and all-benevolent knows all things that would lead to happiness for all, and no evil or harm would come to anyone. If this is false then God is either not all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful or all-benevolent."

Not knowing what else to do (since I'm a novice at this whole logic thing), I emailed the link to Dr. Meek. http://www.xanga.com/EarthsAzureLight/692270656/the-con-of-christianity/ The discussion that ensued was wonderful.

I'm currently tearing apart this argument logistically rather than religiously because... well, because I feel like I should! If this man put enough time and thought into considering this position (it is known as "The Problem of Evil" or "The Riddle of Epicurus"), should I not match his effort? People don't want to hear "You're wrong because that's not what I believe!" As Christians, we should be striving to meet people where they are and bring Christ's love to them. I'll keep you all updated as I go through this.

To top of this introduction to my search for a loophole, here's a picture from Tampa where my friend was tailgating (=grilling and drinking Pepsis with his friends from Southeastern University) for the Superbowl. Gotta love humility.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-15T23:38:00.006-05:00

...It's a time for mushy romantics to thrive in their flowers and candies and thoughtful gestures. As bad as I feel for the sad people, I love that there is an entire day dedicated to being lovey dovey (as well as selling mass-produced cards, et cetera).

I enjoy watching couples schmooze and oogle over one another because it reminds me that some of the happiest moments are those that you share with someone significant. I love walking through the card aisles on February 13th, because, unlike most other significant holidays, there are crowds of women doing last minute shopping. I enjoy watching my friend happy with someone significant or giddy over someone with potential. Most of all, I enjoy Chris Gage (psh. like you didn't see that one coming!).

World, listen to my weekend (if you can stomach it). Saturday: I arrived in Penn Hills and was greeted with hugs and kisses and presents. I opened my gifts... art supplies- pastels, charcoals, pencils, erasers, paper, storage containers. He had planned an artsy weekend just for me! :o) After opening all of my new things and smelling them (don't judge me; you do it, too!), Chris told me that we were going to spend the afternoon in the Andy Warhol Museum!! YAY!!! And that's exactly what we did. We saw some weird stuff (including penis art), but had a wonderful time. Here are some pictures I found online of our favorite things...

The skull room... by far my favorite. This doesn't do it justice.

Wigs!
Shoes...Dollar Signs... there's some pop art.
The Jackie Series. Loved it. (This isn't the whole thing, so that girl in the picture missed out.)
The Silver Clouds room

the Darth Vader Helmet Series (not Warhol)

After all 7 floors of the museum, Chris took me to an awesome Thai place called the Green Mango Noodle Hut. Amazing. Our appetizer was really good, and the King Chicken rocked my face off! The bubble tea was really good. The gelatinous tapioca was pretty weird, so I don't think I'd get bubbles next time. At the end of the day, we just relaxed and watched TV while I did some goofy artsy things with my presents. :o) This morning, he cooked me (and not the rest of his family lol) a hot breakfast which was amazing.

People joke about Chris and me being mushy, but Valentine's Day gives me an excuse to brag. I can't wait to marry him. It's gonna be sweeeeeeet :o)

looking out a window at the coffee shop...

2009-02-06T11:02:00.005-05:00

You'll never guess where I am right now! Okay, so you'd probably guess BFCAT, but that's only because I've been practically living here Monday through Friday. (Sorry about that.) I think I'm only updating because I feel as though I've been neglecting my poor little blogspot, so get ready for a bunch of random thoughts.

My new favorite BFCAT beverage is a pot of hot mango tea. It's delicious, warm, and delicate. Yum. Sorry Heath Mocha, I'm having an affair, and I'm not giving him up! There are so many reasons why I love this coffee shop. First of all, the people are fabulous. I'm friends with almost everyone who works here, so most of them know which mug is my favorite and where I like to sit. Secondly, I have many fond memories here: talking with old friends, making new friends, chatting with Dr. Rice by the fire, et cetera. Thirdly, the drinks are awesome. There are a variety of drinks on the menu and wonderful people to help you pick just the right one. Finally, I just love that it's not a chain. Starbucks and I are through. I had a drink there over Christmas break, and I really don't think I'll ever go back. It just feels wrong.

In other news, I'm ready to start a new life. I'm ready to start an adventure with Chris that will last a lifetime. I'm ready to look for a new place to live and a new grocery store for us to shop in. I'm ready to be annoyed by dirty socks on the floor (though he's the cleanest man I've ever met) and to have lazy naps on Sunday afternoons. I'm definitely ready to experience all that life has to offer, good and bad, with the love of my life. Dude... I'M FREAKING GETTING MARRIED!!!

I'm scared of people on Geneva's campus. It's not a fear that someone will beat me up or steal my stuff; I'm afraid that they are blind to their own prejudice and ignorance of others. One of the exercises I had to do in my Educational Psychology class revolved around pointing out kids who do/do not act like the stereotype of their ethnicity/life situation. One example was about an African American girl who made a comment about her friend. "She be comin' in late today" is obviously typical of her ethnicity, therefore my peers labeled her behavior as exclusively appropriate. Another example involved a woman on welfare who frequently visited her son's school to volunteer and make sure that he was getting a good education. Someone in my class literally said, "This is atypical of people on welfare. I mean, if the lady is on welfare, she obviously doesn't care about her station in life or if her son succeeds." Thank you, students of Geneva, for proving that we really can't handle diversity here.

I miss my grandma. She's awesome and makes me smile. I miss how she used to make me scrambled eggs on Saturday mornings while I watched cartoons after a sleepover. She's the best, and I hope I get to see her this weekend. That's all.

In other news, this semester blows. I can't wait to learn more about my passions in Grad School.

I actually walked on cement today, not ice. This makes me happy. The sun is shining, and the world is warm. I'm ready for Spring now, please. I'd even take rain over snow at this point, but that's mostly because I want to use my new umbrella.

The Steelers won the Superbowl. That was the last thing I'd expect to happen. But as big as 2009 is turning out to be, it's fitting for my football team to be the best in the world this year. Let it be known that my favorite players are Heath Miller, Hines Ward, and Lamar Woodley.

I want a puppy after Chris and I get married, but I think I'll have to settle for a fish for a while.

I've been listening to the Beatles and the Across the Universe soundtrack daily. I even sing it in the shower (sorry, Jo). I don't really know where it came from, but I'm happy with the new development.

I love my friends, old and new. You guys are the best.

My brother passed his driver's test on his first try. I let him use my car, and he was really appreciative. He's not like me at all, I've decided. Where I was spoiled, he chose not to be. In areas of my life that I took for granted, he is desperately grateful. I'm louder and more extroverted than he is. He does his work slowly and diligently, while I fly through one thing to get to the next. He'd be fine without a schedule, and I would die. He is kind to everyone without a second thought. He sees the good in people without having to look very hard. He's a really good kid with a lot of potential, but I'm honestly scared of how he'll handle life when he experiences his first real trauma. I hope he doesn't lose all of his innocence because he's closer to Jesus this way.

I want a sandwich, but not from Alex's; I don't miss that place very much. I do, however, miss sharing ice cream with Chris after our lunches together. Having him gone is alright, but having him here was awesome.

I think I'll stop rambling now.

Bye.

Graduating.

2009-01-29T10:14:00.002-05:00

Oddly enough, I'll be graduating in a few short months. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, but I can promise you that it's not how I expected to feel. I figured that by the time I finished my four years of ungrad at Geneva, I'd feel accomplished, competent, and capable of just about anything. I was sadly mistaken.

Though my time at Geneva has been fulfilling in many ways, simply making me more appealing to any given employer was not the greatest thing I have achieved. I think they call it "covert learning," and I've done tons of it. I've learned a little bit about how to live with other people, how to manage my time wisely, how to prioritize my life, and how to love someone more than myself. I've learned that violence really isn't the answer, honesty really is the best policy, and no one ever can be perfect (even if I try). Ultimately, I've learned that the plans I have for my life aren't always the plans that God has in mind for me... but His are always better.

Companies aren't fighting for who gets to hire me, I don't have tons of research published, and some of the friends I had coming into Geneva showed me that they weren't really my friends at all. I'm more isolated that I was four years ago, but at the same time I have deeper, longer lasting friendships than I had expected.

So here I am at the end of my undergraduate education feeling nervous, unsure, inadequate, and helpless in many ways. One thing is certain; I wouldn't trade any of my experiences, friends, or situations for anything. Oh, and God is good... seriously.

Beef or Chicken?

2009-01-26T12:11:00.006-05:00

Dr. Rice assigned an article for Jo and I to read this week from 1956. (Yeah, it's old and slightly outdated, but it's still good to springboard from.) We have learned about this topic in other courses at Geneva, but cognitive dissonance has never seemed so real to me until I started taking this night class. Let me sum this up (Jo, add anything I miss!)... You are presented with a situation, say choosing chicken or beef. You make a decision (chicken, obviously), and then perhaps doubt that choice later (steak is good, too). This icky feeling is dissonance. To reduce that dissonance, you justify your actions by focusing on the positive aspects of chicken and/or the negative aspects of beef. You might even start thinking negative thoughts about other poeple who eat beef; stereotypes are easy to create. Now that I've been dunked into the cognitive dissonance pool of knowledge, it seems that I'm constantly obvserving myself, questioning my motives, pondering my own self-justification in any given circumstance. Scary.

Self-justification, as common and permeating as it may be in our lives, sucks the life out of us. It allows me to focus on how right I was. It enables me to narrow in on the negatives on whatever I choose against. It helps me group people based on their decisions and act accordingly. Granted, I won't judge you based on the food you eat at my wedding reception (or will I?!), but this process of making myself feel right all of the time is unhealthy. Ultimately, it's just another way I drift from my Creator instead of seeking His wisdom, provisions, and discipline. God knows what's best. He knew what was best for Adam and Eve, but they hid from Him and relied on their own wisdom. It's ok if I feel uneasy after a decision; I can learn from it. It's ok if I make mistakes; I don't have to be perfect. It's ok if I wanted beef now but chose chicken on a whim; Chris might trade with me! ;-)

This week, I want to focus on accepting consequences for the decisions I make without trying to make myself feel better about my choices. I'll be at BFCAT later, and if I regret choosing a Heath Mocha I'll let you know. In the mean time, I'll be thinking of all of the good things about Heath Mochas and all of the bad things about Mint Chocolate ones. (Ha.)

wedding plans.

2009-01-22T18:00:00.004-05:00

I would like to take this opportunity to announce that I have officially booked a church and reception site for the wedding. August 15, 2009 will NOT come soon enough. Such recent developments have not come easily or without consequence, however. I am learning a whole new level of responsibility and trust.

Many of you know about my mom's health issues. It has become a part of life for my nuclear family, and we're all trying to deal with it. Over the past 2 weeks, she has gone through over 2 dozen health tests totaling almost 50 hours in hospitals and specialty centers. We're all stressed, anxious, and helpless. What's worse is that my dad's job is currently on the rocks. His cohort is the next to be laid off, and we're all scared. Obviously, the last thing on my mind is asking my family to pay for my wedding when so many more important things need to be taken care of: my mother's hospital bills, my brother's education, normal things. Responsibility: can't live without it, can't live easily with it. And this is when that whole "trust" thing comes into play.

I love Chris, and I trust that he'll be the best possible husband I could imagine. There's no doubt in my mind that we'll stand by each other through the thick and the thin, and I'm ecstatic to start a family with him. But as much as I trust him, he's still only a man; my trust in Jesus far surpasses what I feel for Chris. I know that God holds everything in His hands, and I am trusting Him to provide for all of my families: the Johnsons, the Gages, and the family that will start on August 15th. :o)

Jesus has already done so many amazing things during these difficult times. He has blessed me with an amazing fiancee who has been nothing but helpful, encouraging, patient, and loving. He has given me the most wonderful roommate to date, Jo, who daily and consistently lives out Christ's love with her words and actions. He has also surrounded me with tons of married friends (Liz, Renee, Kelly...) who keep emailing me lots of lists, wonderful websites, and budget breakdowns. He has given me wonderful friends who I am privileged to have as my bridesmaids who are willing and excited to help me in every way possible. And then there's you, my dear friend. You put up with me when I'm in a cruddy mood, and you get excited for me when I'm happy over some silly detail. Thank you for being there when I needed you the most... all of you.

More than anything else, Christ has blessed me with a peace that only He can offer. I have cried more since Saturday night than I have in months, but through those tears I have seen joy. Through Christ, there is joy to be found in brokenness, helplessness, and forgiveness. He is my Counselor, Provider, Helper, Friend.

Thank you all for your patience, encouragement, love, and hugs. You have all shown your love for Christ by loving me; I am eternally grateful.

<3

Jesus loves me, this I know...

2009-01-21T00:17:00.000-05:00

I've learned a lot about forgiveness this week. I've learned that it's not about the guilty person or the innocent person; it's about the Savior who loved us first. Sometimes, it's really hard for me to forgive people even with Jesus by my side, and I'd bet that most of us have bitterness in our hearts for one reason or another. I am dedicating the rest of this week to forgiving others and seeking forgiveness... even when it's really difficult.

[click this and read along.]

everyone needs compassion,
love that's never failing;
let mercy fall on me.

everyone needs forgiveness,
the kindness of a Saviour;
the Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
my God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

so take me as You find me,
all my fears and failures,
fill my life again.

i give my life to follow
everything I believe in,
now I surrender.

my Saviour, He can move the mountains,
my God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus

my Saviour, He can move the mountains,
my God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

my Saviour, you can move the mountains,
You are mighty to save,
You are mighty to save.
forever, Author of Salvation,
You rose and conquered the grave,
yes you conquered the grave...

Calvin's Ecclesiastical Ordinances

2009-01-20T17:16:00.000-05:00

Although many of my friends have blogs, I have refrained from starting my own. Perhaps I didn't want to be seen as a copycat, or maybe I just don't think that any of my ideas are worth writing or reading about. No matter the reason, I'm here now (so deal with it). Let's get to business, shall we?

This semester I am taking a class on John Calvin called Calvin's Institutes. Although it is a required course for my Biblical Studies minor, I must admit that I was very excited about taking it. To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about John Calvin other than the fact that I respect him as a dedicated Christian and recognize him as a controversial theologian. I know that some of my most loved friends and professors are Calvinists, so I think that inspires me even more to get to know the guy. My walk with Calvin started today, and I had my first real contact with one of his works: the Ecclesiastical Ordinances. There are a few points which left me curious, annoyed, and/or convicted. (Please keep in mind that I fully recognize the 16th century setting in which Calvin was writing... but it still freaks me out sometimes.)

It seems that the overall tone of the Ordinances is stern, which left me feeling religiously liberated and, simultaneously, spiritually suffocated. I was encouraged by the ways in which Christian leadership was sifted through and held accountable; I believe that a little more discernment could be helpful in our churches today. At the same time, I think that forcing church attendance is even more obnoxious than forcing chapel attendance. I'm torn between holding our brothers and sisters accountable and forcing people to accept and live out what I hold as true. How sincere is a heart forced to uphold any given religion? Sigh. I think Adam said it best when we were talking about if our kids turned out to be Buddhists; "I'd rather them wrestle with their minds, draw their own conclusions, and decide to live as Buddhists than to watch them blindly follow a path I made for them."

Not only is Geneva holding their community accountable by mandated attendance, but the Ordinances also assume a homogeneous population of believers. Perhaps a nonbeliever was visiting and walked into the service 5 minutes late; can you imagine the atmosphere as being judgmental and condemning? ("Well we all know she'll be paying 3 sous for not being here before!...I guess he won't be receiving communion today!") I pray that any wanderer stopping by my home church on a Sunday morning would feel welcome, included, and loved. Sadly, I feel that many churches (my own included) lack such an atmosphere.

The freakiest part about all of that isn't that the church wanted to be solely responsible for sacrament responsibilities (sorry, civil magistrate); it is that the church, by offering communion to or withholding communion from any given person, was judging those within its walls. Don't get me wrong; the Bible (1 Corinthians 11) clearly states that we are to examine ourselves before sharing communion, but I just don't feel comfortable giving any church (especially one such as Geneva's where church activities are incredibly intertwined with civil government) the power to judge who is a credible Christian and who is not. There is a place and a time to confront fellow believers, but I don't feel like the Communion table is the best place to do it.

In addition, there are tons of mandatory services. Don't get me wrong; I believe that dependable, structured worship services can be very useful tools to bring believers together in fellowship... for kids and adults... BUT I also believe that if you're spending too much time wrapped up in legalistic rituals to avoid being fined, excommunicated, and punished by your civil magistrate, then you've lost the entire point of the gospel. Where will you get the time to visit a sick friend? (But the deacons do that!) Pray for your neighbor? (Get to it, elders!) Think for yourself?! I think that, other than being surrounded by "Christians" all of the time, I would hate living in 16th century Geneva.

Like I said before, this is my first real experience with John Calvin (Ew... That sounded kind of naughty). I am sure that I have MUCH to learn, and I am eager to continue reading. I'm not even close to being an expert on Calvin; I'm just searching for the Truth.